I have a brother from another mother.  Literally we look alike, act alike, and have been confused for blood more times than I can count. Alan Yarbrough my Jonathon.  He is my best friend.  I can count on this guy for need I have and he can do the same with me.  Two years ago, Al and I were having coffee at my house in Corpus. He was talking about how the church where he is the worship pastor, Calvary Baptist in Andrews, TX, were donating a people mover. “Clint, we are going to give our people mover away…” Before he finished I interrupted, “ Well take it!”

I often make a fool of myself.  I’m accustomed to how leathery my foot tastes.  Al looked at me, the surprise on his face was priceless, and said, “Man I wish I would of known that, we just gave it away to a church in Mexico.”  I drank my coffee wishing that I had spoken up, also wishing that I hadn’t yelled so early in the morning.

God has a way of making faith a full contact sport doesn’t he?  I literally beat myself up for not telling Al that we needed transportation sooner. I was asking God, “ Ok so who else of my close friends may have a bus they are willing to donate?”  I called all my ministry friends and acquaintances, asking them if they possibly could help.  No such luck.  It wasn’t in the cards but little did I know God was working. It was in these times CIA banded together. Our guys would travel across Corpus to pick people up. God stretched them and taught us how to serve people with our vehicles.  This actually brought the group closer together.

Al and Sara came to see their nephew, Asher Blaze, in July. They came with awesome news.  Telling us that they were pregnant, too!  We were ecstatic for them! We took them out to celebrate at our favorite place to take people, Pier 99!  Our brides and Asher went to bed, and Al and I stayed awake talking about what God is doing in our lives and how our ministries are going.  Around two in the morning after we were about to go to bed ourselves, he turned to me in the hall and asked, “You still wouldn’t be interested in the people mover.”  “YES!!!”  I whispered as loud as I could without waking the baby.

Isn’t in the moments when we think nothing will or can happen, God moves.  The next morning he explained that the church in Mexico didn’t want the bus any longer.  So the church decided to give it to someone who needed it, from July to November the details were being hammered out.  In December the bus was ready to go.  Although something had happened in Corpus that no one foresaw, the bus would be used very little for CIA- Corpus Christi.

Andy Bennett had introduced the idea of Impact- Corpus Christi, at a lunch in November at Water Street.  He was sharing his vision for helping kids and using the kids to reach their families in the inner city of Corpus.  I have seen this type of evangelism work before.  In CIA’s mission trip’s we work with inner city kids in Tulsa, OK.  I have personally seen family be saved and repent from being a crack house to being a house of God.  These repentances didn’t start from the parents down however; God used the kids to change the parent’s hearts towards him.  The young will teach the old.  When Andy shared his vision, I knew whom the bus was for.  Sure CIA would use the bus every once and awhile for trips but overall this bus was going to downtown Corpus.  This bus is to share God’s glory with the people he adores the most, children.

God’s ways are not ours.  The spirit’s plan is often grander than anything we can produce.  Last Tuesday we had a meeting with all of CIA, in this meeting all the CIAers looked at these kids and this mission that Andy has laid out and were excited.  I was told by more than one that this is what they have been praying for.  That this is God answering their prayers.  We have college students getting their CDL to drive the bus.  We have many volunteers ready for anything that might be thrown at them.

The kids have only been twice but have made an everlasting impression on me.  For example a little girl, Evelyn, came up to me and said, “ I like you” as only a 4 year old can.  I asked her, “Why?”  She looked at me with huge eyes and answered, “Because you protect us.”

This bus is an answer to prayers.  We can pickup more kids and eventually their families.  But when I was praying for a Bus, God answered with children.  When I thought the blessing was a free set of wheels, I see that the true blessing is sharing the Gospel with children.  Jesus moves in mysterious ways.   His ways are truly amazing.  Get excited church, we are seeing God at work.

However, just like June Cleaver, I was playing a part.  Under that polished smile, and perfect family, I was hiding the fact that I am the mother of a victim of abuse.  When my darling son was just 8 years old, he came forward and told me that he had been sexually abused by an older boy who lived at the children’s home where we worked.  Thank God he it was not a family member, the pain of that would be tenfold, but, even though it was someone who was not in our life, it was a blow like none other I have ever known.

I remember it like it was yesterday.  I had just put my son and his sisters to bed, and his dad was dozing on the couch.  I was puttering around doing all my June Cleaver things, and Clint got out of bed and said “I need to talk to you.”  I sat down in my chair, and he came and sat on my knee.  He looked me in the eye and told me that he had been abused.  That is when the world gets fuzzy, and I don’t remember quite what I said at that point.  But I do remember waking his dad with a shrill command, and having him repeat his story.  His dad and I were in shock.  That is when our sweet precious boy began to change.  For four long years he had never let on that there was even a problem.  But once it was out…he could not keep from falling in a very deep dark hole.  Before long, he was in a place that scared us very badly.  We began seeing a counselor, and it was very difficult for all of us.  Weeks of inpatient care, and follow up counseling, and a move HOME, gave us all the courage to go on with our lives.

I might like to say and “Happily Ever After” right here, but that is not where our story ends.  Clint went on, and no one outside our very close knit circle knew.  That was my goal, to keep my perfect family image perfect.  And I might add, that I was masterful at my job.  When Clint wanted to talk about it we hugged him, and held him, and told him he was fine.  We convinced him that no one could ever know, after all, what would people think?  In our little town, we had a status to uphold, and this was not a part of our image.

It became my job to make sure that he was fine because of me.  I would let him know when he had a problem, and he had already dealt with this and moved through it….just ask me!  He was fine!  But the reality was that he was developing a veneer too.  He was slick and shiny on the surface, but angry and black underneath.  He was mad, and he was not sure who to be mad at….so he was mad at God.  And still, I didn’t listen.  It is truly as if it never happened, at least to his dad and me.  For Clint it was ever so real.  And so began many years of a struggle.

And for my daughters, they were really left out of the biggest heart ache in our family.  For my older daughter, she must have wondered if this all really happened, or did she just dream this, because we never talked about it.  And for our youngest child, we protected her until she was 21, and learned it accidently.  When she found out, it made her feel very left out and untrustworthy!  Almost like she was living in a family she did not even know.

I now know that Clint was an atheist.  He did not believe a true God would let him struggle and hurt in this manner.  But I could not allow one of MY children to claim to have no faith in God.  So for all his teen years we played the game.  On Sunday we went to church.  On Sunday night he attended youth group, at every opportunity he was at church.  That does make you a Christian…right? I guess it does in the same way that standing in a garage makes you a car!  On top of everything else, his mother was very busy trying to save him.  Making sure all is well with his soul.  But guess what?  It was not well.  Not with his soul, and not with my soul.

And so…without my input, Clint had a true God experience.  He was working on the railroad at the time.  He was staying with us, and when it was almost time for Easter, he agreed to accompany us to a Good Friday Service at our church.  The youth worked with our pastor, and both our other daughters were a part.  Clint sat by me, and the room darkened.  Then a single light came on by the pulpit.  One by one the youth went to the front, and told, as a member of Christ’s most inner circle, about how his crucifixion changed them.  Mary, Mary Magnalin, and all the apostles shared how they must have felt.  Then, when they found the tomb empty, then the church went black.  And at the same time, all our hearts felt black too.  Then the youth started lighting candles one by one through the congregation, while the song “Let it Be” began to play.  The power of that moment was so deep, and so real, and so powerful, that there was not a dry eye in the room.  And it was a realization that Christ is alive and well, and living in every heart that accepts him.

At that very moment…Christ pierced Clint’s heart.  He knew what his future held, and it was not the railroad.  After struggling with the realization, he finally told his dad and me that he was quitting.  He returned to school, and majored in Religion and Greek.  He began to work with local youth groups, and so his ministry began.  And now, God is using Clint in a big and mighty way.  He is busy daily sharing Christ with college students, and the blessings that Christ has bestowed on my son are amazing.  He has a beautiful Godly wife, a precious son, and a life that can only be given by Christ.

And so came the realization that I am not in charge of my son’s heart. That news did not bring relief at first.  The years of trying to keep our secret was a habit.  And, also, there was a fear that if I was not in charge that Clint might feel the need to begin to tell his story.  Wow…Really??  Yes, sadly, that is how I felt.  So for about 6 years, I have tried to keep my sweet son quiet.  Obviously, it did not work.  And now I thank God for that.  There is no telling how many hearts Clint has set on the road to healing, through Christ.  And that could not happen if he listened to his mother.  Thank you God for a son with a heart for you!

And so for the first time ever, I have allowed God to deal with me on this issue.  I have quit telling God how OK I am, and I have allowed Christ to start to love me and heal me through this pain.  After 20 years, it is about time I “Let go and let God!”  This summer, I began to pray that God would truly use me.  The first thing he did was give me the opportunity to teach a bible study at church.  Wow a blessing!! “Big girls don’t Whine,” and if you have not read this book….treat yours self and pick one up!!   The next thing I did was to read “Crazy Love” and God began to move in me in a mighty way!  First, I was able to teach another bible study on “Crazy Love,” then we were invited to a banquet for the Pregnancy Resource Center.  Both my husband and I felt much moved to join the fight for unborn babies.  We began the training, and spent the next six weeks learning how much love is needed in an unplanned pregnancy.

And there, is where my story comes full circle.  In the training for the pregnancy resource center, I learned how many people are pregnant because their lives have been centered on sexual abuse.  How many people do not know how to love or receive love correctly and safely?  It is huge!    I am learning the great need of people to come forth and share how much God can heal your heart no matter how big the hurt.  And no one can comfort the victim of abuse like another victim.  And no one knows the pain a mother is feeling like another mother.  And so God has finally pierced my heart.  And I understand the need that Clint felt.

I recently was called to share my story in Grace Fellowship (where we attend church) new “Sharing Space” in the bulletin. Thank you Ana Walker!! This is a great idea!!
I was excited about this opportunity to share what God has done in my life. It flowed out when I was typing it. I thought I was just going to share it in the bulletin. However, telling my story became an everyday thing, after writing it out. A few weeks ago, I read my story in the “Crazy Beautiful” Ladies Study I taught, wrote it in the bulletin and emailed it to a friend. Each time Christ used “His Story” to His Glory in different ways.
In the ladies study, I shared my story because we were talking about Purity. I wanted the ladies to know in the class that I was a “dirty little girl’ but Christ washed me clean. And He can do that for you too.
In the church bulletin, I felt that members know my husbands story and did not know mine. So I wrote my story to share where God has taken me on my journey.
In the email, I encouraged a friend to write and share her story with others. To show His Glory. She did and emailed it out the next day!!

I started to think what else has writing and sharing my story done for me:

• I have nothing to hide which leaves me vulnerable. Christ was also vulnerable.
• Stories give hope
• An opportunity to share Christ with people
• An opportunity to see what you have in common with others. (I talked to someone that had been to Italy, and we talked about our experiences.)
• The weight on my shoulders feels lighter.
• I realize that sharing my story prevents gossip from spreading because my story comes from me.
• My story is powerful because it is about God.

Writing my story I realize that not even some of my family really know my story. But here it is:

I have been Clint’s bride, for 5 years, and Asher’s mother for 5 months. I love my life but this is how I got here. I grew up in a very, very small town. There were 200 students in one school grades K-12, teacher houses, and only one road, but there were 3 churches! There were 18 students in my graduating class. My mom was my 6^th grade teacher, and she knew when I was in trouble before I did. I grew up on a farm; dad was a farmer growing everything from cotton to carrots. I have two older sisters; yes, I am the baby of the family by 6 years! I guess you can say that I had a pretty “normal” growing up. We attended the Muleshoe Church of Christ, three times a week, faithfully. If we were leaving on vacation on Sunday, we still went to church until communion was served, whatever that means.

Growing up in a small town was not all that you think it would be. Starting my sophomore year, I started smoking and drinking which led to drugs. I believe that my whole senior year I was high or buzzed. I tried my hand at dealing drugs for a short while. During my junior year, there was a 5 acre field of marijuana, a mile away from the school; it was soon discovered by police. We would find huge black bags of “weed’ on the side of the road and sell it to the next town. One Friday night the field was burned, during a football game! Crazy!! I felt so much peer pressure to sleep around during my high school years. My life style and behavior put me in dangerous situations and this lead to a rape, by a fellow partier. My actions left me feeling defeated, robbed and bitter at myself and others I felt unworthy and condemned. These feelings plagued me day after day, for years. I was so afraid and did not know how to go to God. I choose my behavior, I was insecure, lost and behaving like my friends all around me. Church youth group was just another place to gossip about how awesome the party was the night before. I was stuck in the fake life. Going to church but having no relationship with the Lord; living life on my terms.

I started college with the same actions. Receiving a MIP (Minor in Possession) on the first night of college. My parents were still in town from taking me to college. By age 20, I was disgusted with my life. I was sick and tired of running, keeping up with the many lies, being insecure in my own skin. I determined to make some changes in my life and I stopped smoking, drinking and drugs. Jesus started to become real to me; the Holy Spirit was doing surgery on my heart. I began to take notice of other women around me. They were different, secure with who they were. I was the opposite of most other college kids, because my party days were over! I was glad I was different. I was baptized in the fall semester, I attempted to find new friends, and stay away from any semblance of my former life. This did not happen until; I let God truly be the Lord of my life. I had to allow Christ to transform me from the inside outside. In 2004, I moved to Italy and started to be more active in my newly found Christian life. Things began to change in my heart; I started to stand up for myself. I let my yes be yes and my no be no. (Something the Italian culture is good at.) My confidence was growing as I allowed the Father to heal my wounds from the past. The Lord was changing me into a new person. I came back to the States in 2005, and attended Eastern New Mexico University to get my Consumer Sciences Degree (Home Economics). This is where God provided time in my life to seek Him with no distractions. I had no friends and my family was busy. I was in relationship with my Savior, not lonely, and truly satisfied and secure in Him. I cherish that time and have such fond memories! Toward the end of college, I saw Clint for the first time. He was leading a worship band. I always knew that I was going to marry a showman! We started dating at a college retreat, and were married within a year and 2 months.

In 2008 an unexpected turn of events happened. Clint received an unmistakable call to ministry. While we had no idea what that would look like, God knew exactly what he was doing in our lives. As the Lord began to lead us into campus ministry, I felt overwhelmed, digging my heels in the ground. As I faithfully follow my husband, as he follows the Lord I have experienced the joys and heartache of ministry. I have grown in ways I never would have expected. The Lord has brought me a deep sense of love for lost people and an evangelistic way of approaching life. He has walked me through being a role model and mentor for many college girls. Although, I’m not proud of my past life I have been able to share it with college girls who are thankful for the transparency. My life is crazy busy with the addition of our little son. We want Asher right in the middle of campus ministry.

Now, in 2011, I am continually being transformed in His image. And loving every moment….. I am blessed to be a daughter of Christ, Clint’s bride, Asher’s mom, CIA mommy, cancer educator (paying job), and living for the Glory of God. I love to share my family’s life and what we are doing on a daily basis through blogging.

If you take one thing away from this, let God have your story!! and share it, to show His Glory. And start writing your story!! It helps us see what God has done in our life.

Please Check out Kel’s Blog: http://thehillplanet.blogspot.com/

Why are we doing this?  People would ask this question almost every day.  The answer I gave them is because of what Jesus has done in my life.  If you would have told me four years ago in college that I would be leading a game centered around zombies with the intent on reaching people for Jesus, I would have told you that it was out of the question.  Jesus has changed the people in CIA. We do this game with the purpose of reaching people for him.  During this HvZ week, CIA gets to share in more than playing a game.  This game is an opportunity to share the love of Jesus.  As people are sharing their journey we get to share ours.  CIA views this game as a huge opportunity to share the love of Jesus with people that desperately need Him.  People in CIA are exhausted but sharing the gospel in this way is very much worth it.

“There has to be a catch.” was the number one response.  One guy told me, “let me get this straight, you put all this time and energy into this game with the purpose of telling people about Jesus?  That sounds crazy.” It sounded crazy because it is.  There is no catch.  We want people to love Jesus.  No money, no credit card, or social security number required.  We are desperate for you to know about Jesus.  Jesus who takes real Zombies and gives them life, the Jesus that raises people from the dead and thirsts for righteousness…. not brains, the Jesus that loves the unlovable, that’s the Jesus we get to share with the students at TAMU-CC.

Why is HvZ and Zombie Prom worth it?  At HvZ we get to see all kinds of people. Geeks, jocks, foreign exchange students, even fraternity brothers.  All kinds of people want to play this game.  And here is the crazy part: all the students work together, laugh together, play together, share their stories together, they survive the game together.  People are coming together from all walks of life in unity and loving on one another. These friendships last past the game itself, too. I see former groups get together talk about their stories over lunch then help each other with their homework.  It’s beautiful.  This kind of unity is something only God can do.  People who are outcasts finding love.  Just typing this makes my eyes swell.  God brings all sorts of people together. Look at the disciples.  They were from every walk in life together.  I would venture to say that Peter didn’t like Matthew very much.  Matthew was a tax collector and tax collectors weren’t known for their memberships to the better business bureau back then.  When Peter would come in from a long day fishing he would see Matthew right there at the docks with money purse in hand waiting to tax Pete.  That’s the culture.  I have often wondered when Peter asks Jesus, “How many times must I forgive?” He had Matt (Not to mention John) in mind.  But after they met Jesus none of their past nor their differences mattered any longer.  Jesus can move any boulder even the “you’re different from me” boulder.

Thursday night, after Zombie Prom, I looked at the clock it said 2 am when my head hit the pillow and knowing that 6:00am was going to be around the corner fast, why didn’t Asher get the memo that dad had HvZ week? The girls question rang in my ears, “Is it worth it?”   At 2 am, a resounding yes came rushing through my head. Now wait, exhausted, tired, voice cracking from talking all day and back hurting from sitting in the University Center’s “Lazy-boy” (the UC chairs are designed to be the most painful- sitting experience of your life) for 10 hours and I would do it all over again?  Not only that but I was so excited about the “yes”, that I had to get up and pray for all the HvZ players at 2 am! I was rejuvenated with no sleep! Peace and joy swelled my soul.

At Zombie Prom Cyndi came to help put on make-up for all the college students. She did an amazing job.  The make-up was delightfully scary.  But something else happened at Zombie Prom.  Cyndi did something I didn’t expect.  She put on makeup herself and then danced with us.  I think it was somewhere between the third or fourth verse of YMCA and seeing Cyndi joining in with people she wouldn’t usually associate with, I felt the Spirit of God speak to me saying, “This is how I work.”  God brings people together; make no mistake about it, but more than that he lets us join in life together.

Zombies are a fictional creatures, although don’t argue that with the college students. However, the bond these students made are not fictional they are very real.  CIA gets to share a very real Jesus with TAMUCC because new contacts have been established, new friendships have been forged, new bonds have been created through the game.  And HvZ isn’t the end of our relationships with these students.  Their journey has just started.  We as a Church need to be on our knees for these students (CIA and the contacts).  In more ways than one their game has begun.

I am a country boy from New Mexico. I have a hick accent that gets worse when I am nervous. I wasn’t the best football player for the area. I was really strong but really slow for 6-man football. I had a heart for people as long as I can remember. I was afraid of hurting people and because I was afraid of hurting people I became a bully. Sounds weird huh? But that is what happened. I was abused when I was a kid, so I had a hard time accepting that God was there. If God were there then he would have protect me. And at the age of about 14 I decided there was no God and hit very hard into drugs, sex, and alcohol. I am a really good liar. And I made my family, friends, people I went to church with actually believe I was a good guy.

I found God around 22. Jesus’ love changed me. Seriously, he love made me forgive a child abuser, his love compelled me to face my darkness, and his light transformed me into a man who looks crazy at times. His love drives me. Moves me. Honestly take a moment and think about how much God truly loves you. He gave up his only son for you. You may read this and have become numb to God’s Love, I do at times, and I really take for granted the Love of Jesus, until I had a Son. And if it came down between you and my boy, I’d let you all go to hell and not think twice about it. And if you look at this in judgment you don’t get how much God sacrificed, I didn’t for a long time. God’s love is truly grander than anything I or you could ever offer.

If you tolerate sin, or can easily judge others actions, you don’t get God’s Love. Its ok to admit this to yourself, I struggle with it and I just admitted it to the whole world. We, my brothers and sisters, are not perfect. However, God’s love is beyond our insecurity, our future, our plans, and us. His love can raise people from the dead and I didn’t get that for a long time. At times I still don’t get that. God’s love is truly amazing.

So going back to my beginning, I still struggle with perfection. I still struggle that my actions are holding up the gates of heaven. This is a testament to God’s love that even though I am a sinner, Christ died for me. He is taking my inadequacies and is nailing them to a perfect cross. Transforming me by the renewal of my mind. I still struggle with things. I still struggle with my past but with the assurance that Jesus has me. HE is the one guiding my way. He is the one in control of my boat in the midst of my life’s storm. And guess what he is asleep! He isn’t concerned about the storm’s power because he knows that He is beyond my life’s Storm. His love is truly beyond everything! And that is my story. Clint ended at a baptismal pit in Portales, NM. When he came up he was a new creation. The water was blacker the day Clint died. Now before you is a man that is truly changed. I am happy! I have gotten to see so much though CIA, Grace Fellowship, and CMU! I have seen miracles like hearts that where stone made flesh and beating for God. I have seen Theologians become disciples, which truly is a miracle, I have seen crack heads turn into leaders. I have seen children teach deeper things than any “educated” man could ever dream. I have seen people who went from cursing God to praising him! I have seen Love move Mountains in the form of Crack Addiction, Sexual addiction, Self-Righteous Bigotry, Hate, anger, boyfriends, girlfriends, Jail Time, and Broken Marriages. I have seen Love do amazing things and here is the part that cannot type fast enough! Love is still doing things that you cannot imagine. If you cant see it pray for eyes to see, if you cant hear it then pray for ears to hear.

Love is…I can’t think of how big God’s love truly is. It makes Everest small. And here’s the thing my friends God’s Love is just getting started, in my life and in yours. I have only followed Jesus for about 6 years. I feel like Nathanael in John chapter 1, when Jesus says, “…You will see greater things than this.” My confessional is this; if you are bored with God’s Love please come and talk to someone who isn’t. Love changed my life and turned it upside down and I am thankful for that everyday. Love made me experience Joy that no drug could EVER produce. I mean it. Drugs and porn have no draw to the goodness of Jesus Christ our Lord. The Holy Spirit is better than any sex, sweeter than any food, and more exciting that any thrill ride. He is truly underestimated in every way and is beyond amazing.

We started CIA- Corpus so that people would be free to experience the power of what God can do in their life. My story and CIA’s story is this. That your life isn’t about you, it’s about Jesus. I tell people don’t think small when it comes to God’s action in our life, because God isn’t thinking small when it comes to you. God is changing the world my friends, and we have front row seats in his battle plans.

For a long time I was like that. I didn’t want to open up to anyone because I thought I would seem weak. The only meaningful relationships I had were with my immediate family. Every other relationship I had was fake. I never showed my true self to anyone. I didn’t even open up to God. The funny thing was though, I had everyone fooled. I’ve been going to church since I was 13. Everyone at my church thought I was a “Good Christian Person.” They had no idea who I really was.

I always knew all the right answers to all the religious questions. I read the Bible and had a very good grasp on theology. But I had never experienced God. There was always this emptiness, this sense that I was missing something. I retreated into the world of video games for a while. In those virtual worlds I could be what I wanted to be. I could fill the emptiness and everything would be okay. Or so I thought. Video games made me feel even emptier and I didn’t know why. Eventually I realized something drastic needed to change.

I moved from Dallas to Corpus Christi to finish my degree at TAMUCC. I spent the first few months with the same emptiness I had always felt. Then my roommate, Larson, invited me to a CIA bible study. At first I really didn’t want to go but I didn’t have anything better to do so I decided to check it out. To be honest I really don’t remember anything about the bible study. What I remember is that after it was over and I was getting ready to sneak away, a couple people came up and started talking to me. Immediately I sensed something different about them. These people were real. I started hanging out with CIA more and more after that. I realized that I didn’t have to put up a wall around them.

When I lowered my defenses to them I also lowered my defenses to God. I started to let Him work in my life. Over the course of the next year He drastically changed me. He showed me that having real relationships with people is a sign of strength, not weakness. The emptiness that I had been feeling my whole life started to be filled. He made me realize that it doesn’t matter how much theology I know, what matters is how well I know Him. CIA has been a huge blessing to me. I’m looking forward to what God has in store for us this next year. ~ Keith

I was a robot Christian.  I felt something; you know, I could feel God’s presence.  I received his love, His peace, and His blessings.  But I needed to dig deeper. I was going through the motions, being a hypocrite, being unloving and not seeking a relationship with Him.  I was a “Christian,” but I still wasn’t full.  So I went to college hoping to find something to fill this hole I had dug myself into.  I found CIA through a friend of mine in spring semester, but after my freshman year I decided God wasn’t worth my time.  I had become a very anxious person, prone to panic attacks from freaking out about my course load, my friends (or lack of), and being lonely. I had to control everything in my life or I would fall apart, and as humans we cannot control everything because so much is out of our control. And when I could not control my life I felt like a failure.  And the panic would overcome me.  I was paralyzed by fear and drowned in a panic that most of the time did not make sense logically or to anyone else—but it was very real and very horrible for me.

I was a train wreck. I slowly went back to CIA the next fall, had many talks with Clint, and then went on a retreat called Family Vacation that changed my life.  These people were real.  These guys actually cared!  These people had been or were empty and it didn’t even matter how our high school experience was, or that I was a loser and someone else had been popular, but we all had one thing in common: emptiness.  And we wanted something more in this life.  I found a passion for God again.  But it was not a simple fix. CIA has been the most amazing support system, and if I need anything they are already there to help me before I can ask. CIA is an encouraging group of real (not fake!) people who helped me grow, and guided me on how to find God again and become a real disciple of the Lord, and not be someone who is a robot with no investment because I was afraid to open my heart.

I was ashamed.  Not all sin is the same.  Mine was that I refused to “let go and let God,”  I refused to acknowledge what I knew to be true, and I refused to give my heart and life to Him, ALL my heart and life, because I wanted to control, and hold on to things.  I certainly didn’t deserve God’s love.  Why would God want me?  He offered me eternal life, grace, and unconditional love and I threw it in His face.  I felt like I couldn’t even talk to God, because there was no way He would want to hear from me.  But Britt and Kelsey (two of the most wonderful girls EVER) didn’t give up on me, and after encouragement I did start talking to God. There is nothing, nothing like the peace and understanding of our Father.  I started giving things up to Him, letting Him inside my heart, and letting Him take control. It was a process. It was a lot of changing and growing and it was hard.  Every day I have to consciously decide to give it over to Him.  Finally, it gets a little easier.  But I am not perfect, and I still struggle from time to time.

I am a child of God.  I was America’s typical church girl, I was a robot Christian, I was a train wreck, I was ashamed of what I had done and who I was.  I reflected the world.  Now I reflect His Spirit. I’m full!  I was all those things I mentioned, but now I’m panic-free, alive and not a robot, far from anything “typical,” and I am not ashamed of who I am. I am striving to be who He wants me to be, and someone who can help others and love people so they can have the wonderful experience of love that I had and have. Some people try to rank sin, but sin is sin. I am a sinner.  But thank goodness for His grace.

-Elizabeth Spivey